My mind is in motion. Emotions. A storm is rolling in. Blame it on El Nino, blame it on anything other than me. I’m laying awake at night as the storm rolls in, the wind picks up. The night air feels electric. Soft at first, the rain drops splat upon the fiberglass, a lovely sound, dull. The wind continues to pick up and I lay there.
Lay there pretending that it will go away, put my feelings in a box, run away inside my head.
Run towards the storm and attempt to talk it down.
Run at the storm, grab my balls and give it the finger.
Pretend the storm doesn’t exist. If i were to cut open my skin to look inside I would see a heart, lungs, liver, a spleen, and stomach. All physical. The emotions that come up during the storm, the fear, the joy, the excitement. They are not visible inside of me, yet I feel them on a physical level. Since they are not tangible, not physical, they do not exist. Since I can’t touch them it is easier to put them into a box on a shelf for me to deal with later.
I close my eyes. The rain comes at me harder, the wind doesn’t back down, the electric current doesn’t leave. But my eyes are closed, I can’t see it, it doesn’t exist. My mind is in motion.
Run towards the storm:
I’ve run towards the storm before. Run to the emotions. I accept that the emotions are there, they exist. Now let’s play nice together. I tried to talk to the emotional storm. I’ve backed myself down, made myself small. If I am small I will quiet the rage inside the storm because they can’t see me. The emotions coming at me won’t be able to find me if I am small. How small can I get? If I were only a little bit smaller the wind wouldn’t toss me around so much, the rain might miss me. I wouldn’t end up with tears on my face.
I’m not being honest with myself, getting small. I’m not standing up for myself, dismissing my own storm.
I tell myself I’m not enough. I tell myself I’m not worthy of this. Storm take pity on me. I’m insecure. I’m filled with shame and it is beating me into this corner.
Run at the storm:
Bring out the big guns. I’ve go emotions and they have two middle fingers, or maybe one, the other is grabbing my balls screaming Fu<k you!
This is my reaction. Not a response, no thinking involved. Back the F down! I’ve been taken advantage of before. Shuffled around like a pawn on a chess board. Tossed around in this storm long enough. This is my Truman Show moment where the storm is increasing in intensity and he yells, ‘Is that the best you can do?’
My emotions run the show. Your storm. F that. I can handle it. I’ve been through worse. Come at me. I’ve got training, I’ve gone through a few hurricane in my time and can outlast your pathetic tears and wild crazy wind. I’ve puffed myself up, inflated the ego as big as it gets.
All of them end the same. The storm gets big and intense for a minute and then passes eventually. Each time the storm comes. Each time it passed I was a little weaker. Maybe not weak in the sense of unable to last another storm, but weaker in that my vulnerabilities, the places where I could grow internally, grow as a man, got another layer of scar tissue. Perhaps hardening me for the next storm rather than preparing me to sit with the storm. Being hard for the next storm is not a terrible thing, not a bad thing, but it is a stagnant thing, a hardening thing. Not growing, not remaining flexible. How can I practice yoga if I’m not flexible with emotions too, unable to sit with them?
Sit with my own storm… What a terrible thought. I would rather hide it, make it small, stab it with knives. I would rather only work on the physical postures, the ones that look pretty on IG, the ones that I can show off. The physical ones that you can see and comment on.
What storms are inside? Feelings / Emotions . . . Feelings come quick, demand an immediate response. A hot stove, hand reacts and pulls off quickly. The burning feeling will go away. Emotions demand exploration. Job promotion, enter question . . . is this what I want towards my goal? Enter response.
What is the storm dictating for you? How are you responding? Reacting?
Want to change this? Sit in the storm for a min. Assess the situation, let it take you over, hold off on reacting.
I’m ashamed that I haven’t always done this. I’m afraid that I’m not a very good role model for this. I’m learning. I’m learning as I go along.