I’ve built towers only to knock them down. I found me in the rubble, in the destruction, and the aftermath. I see the light, the direction to grow.
It’s a wonderful life George Bailey.
I have looked deep within and seen things I don’t like. The me that wants to smoke and drink, quit practicing, striving, I want to give up and give it the finger. I’ve listened to all of the distractions; Disease, Procrastination, Doubt, Negligence (carelessness), Laziness, Craving, Delusion, Failure (to progress), Instability, Mental Distractions.
And I’m crazy. For real. I probably need a straightjacket and a spiritual intervention to save me from myself.
Oh, I’m not there yet.
I’m not afraid to talk about, meaning I'm not embarrassed by my shortcomings and my heartbreak, failures, and setbacks. I’ve made friends with those voices inside my head that held me back with doubt and lack of self-worth. I am familiar with suffering, anxiety, worry, and frustration. I’m also friends with victory, joy, gratitude, and love. I know those guys well and know they have my back.
Victory doesn’t happen on my timeline, but that would be delusional to think that it does. I have been living (practicing) long enough to know differently. I am moving forward. Forward sometimes looks like I’m standing still or moving backwards, but that’s only those voices back in my head. Self-doubt showing up, abandoning when it gets serious, when it becomes difficult.
I understand you have your things showing up and I am grateful for you for showing up and having space for mine too. Thank you also for leaving and allowing me the space to grow beyond what I thought was the limit of my possibilities.
Sometimes I’m forced to crawl, but forward is forward no matter how slow you are going.
I never doubt negativity, only positivity. I will never doubt being sad, I don’t ask, ‘Am I really sad?’ But I will constantly question if I’m ‘truly happy’ if I’m on the right path. In this way doubt becomes a great indicator that I am truly in fact moving in the right direction, in the direction of my dreams. BUT . . . yes it is frightening, and creates much to worry about. No, I will not get there on my timeline. BUT I will get there.
The endurance, the grinding toil, the iron will, the will to succeed. The hero doesn’t wait to do good and help others only when things have gone to shit and they may or may not be asking for assistance. The hero doesn’t wait for inspiration to be creative. The hero started alone, building the foundation.
It is far more interesting and rewarding to take the road speckled with risks and failing along the way to a triumphant win than it is to live never knowing suffering or joy associated with victory and defeat.
Victory is only the beginning.
Read Theodore Roosevelt's 'Man in the Arena' speech.