I wish I could have believed (you) them when (you) they told me that everything was going to work out. I wish I could have recognized your help instead of my self-centered ‘protective’ habits of focus. I wish I would have received your love as you were and not as what I wanted you to be.
You are already perfect and exactly who you ought to be.
You are more than you give yourself credit for. The strength that you possess and the fight to persevere will continue to grow as you feed it from love.
This is my love letter to you, my 14 year old self.
I know how much you care about what others think of you. I wish you could see how self-involved they are too.
There is not a bright shining star in the sky guiding you. This is not another Disney or Bible story. The light is, as it always has been, inside of you. That is the only light you will need to guide you.
Believe me, there will be distractions. Shiny objects, twinkling lights, lights that blind you and run you over. Chase them! Go all in. Get run over. Multiple times. Place those moments, people, and times in boxes. The more boxes you choose to accept and hide away will cloud your inner light and defuse it’s radiance.
There is nothing wrong with you.
There is nothing wrong with boxing up people and events. It is survival. When you are ready, take those boxes, open them up and look inside at yourself, remember that you are loved. You may not feel it from time to time or believe when others bless you with their love, but you are loved from inside. You are capable of handling this and knowing when you are ready. Ready to open boxes, close them, burn them up, and open yourself up.
I know that when you look back on this in the future you will be amazed. I am. You can be proud of you. You will.
There is not a point where you have gone wrong, or done un-productive means. You have always moved forward, moved on, and I have much to be thankful now because of it. Your ‘suffering’ was growth. Living in comfort was never going to give you the richness and nutrients you require to live boldly.
You must set your world on fire, if only to watch it burn. You are an arsonist.
You built your empire, your fortress and knocked it all down, only to rearrange the blocks and build it back up with more fortitude and held together with more love.
Each time it knocked over, burned to the ground, you dug the foundation deeper. The hole from which you crawled into is your fortress of solitude. Be afraid to go back there if you wish, but go. The fear has not stopped, and it has not decreased any. It has grown and multiplied, and the only way to rise up again, is to go back into the fire of fear. Build up. Build from a solid foundation.
You will run away more than once. The fire, out of control, the hole looking too deep. That shit will come and get you. Your perfume is gasoline. Those dark places are where you learn what substance is, and what you are made up of. You will find grounding and build again.
The view from your dream is wonderful. I only wish you were here to live it.
I fully recognize that you are exactly where you need to be now.
I recognize that the distance that separated us was fear and pride keeps us apart. That and time. I want you to know that I’m listening. I’m listening to your wish, and living that amazing life. It ALL will work out. It has only taken me 20 years, but I have another 40 of great times ahead before I forget and live another 10.
Send someone a love letter.