Sometimes we have to regress to understand what it is that we want when moving forward. Often I want safety and security, I want to be ready before moving. That's my thing, that what I'm learning to give up attachment to.
What does commitment mean?
Are you 100% regardless of the results? Or are you attached to the limitations or expectations we place on the end result?
The walls we hide behind . . . due to fear, embarrassment, feeling scared, afraid of not knowing, because we are not good enough, too much, not perfect . . . come down when we commit 100% but sometimes they pop right back up and we shut down. A switch shuts us off, like when standing in a room at night and the lights are turned off, we may feel unsafe. Scared. We are certainly in the darkness and feel emptiness.
Our walls that we put up are our safety, our go to. They come up when the self is challenged. The preconceived notion of self, attached to years of conditioning. Especially when we commit without attachment those walls go up harder and thicker. Maybe we tell ourselves differently. We wish to believe and make sense of the situation.
Sometimes we don't know why they go up, why the switch is flipped. We hide behind these walls protecting the fragile eggshell self. When there is love on the other side of the wall it can be even more difficult (embarrassing) to come back around. The other side of the wall is scary, it is why the wall is there after all.
Maybe we don't know. Maybe we wake up and see something we don't like. Maybe unsure. Maybe we were never asked to look there before and don't know how too. Our relationship with others or yoga is a direct reflection of our relationship with ourselves.
Usually after the switch is turned off my eyes adjust, I understand who I am and where I am. Vulnerable. In the darkness with the switched flipped I understand I am growing. On the other side of this wall there is another layer with deeper attachments and if I don't stay all in I will not grow past this layer and it's sometimes painful removal. The pain is self attached, and can be very humbling to move past especially if we put a 'hard' front to keep ourselves protected. To keep from feeling vulnerable. This can be very uncomfortable if we have never had to go there before.
What do you have to give up to get what you want?
If I commit to nothing, to not knowing, then I am distracted by everything. . .
Not knowing why a switch is suddenly turned off is not a reason I accept for myself to give up on a commitment. That's my thing. Maybe I feel unsafe, maybe challenged, maybe shut down. When I give it a chance and stick to my commitment, a reason always comes along, in time, often not my ideal time, but at the time I am ready to receive it, and I am often elated that I did not give up on myself or my commitment. My thing.
I'm working on this. On my time, I'm learning and growing in the darkness, adjusting to the light. I am becoming less attached and more committed. It is why I love the ashtanga practice, the more I dig in the more switches are flicked on and off. The deeper I dig my heels in the deeper it digs right back, asking me for more, challenging me to climb past my walls, past my layers, past my fear. I trust that it works, more than I trust myself sometimes. It is those times in the darkness, the uncertainty, that I dig deep. Again, that's me and my idea of commitment. It is not shared by all, but that is their thing, and I'm learning to accept that, and them where they are at too.