There are times in my life when I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming and no one notices. Dummy, the ones who matter notice. They see what is going on, they know. They love me. They know this is a product of my conditioning. My reaction to an original wound.
We have deep wounds you and I. We have grown our hearts around them and when they get poked in the right spot, reaction. Screaming, doing drugs, self-inflicted hurt, over eating, not eating, all so that someone takes notice. SEE ME!!!!!
Child they see. It hurts them. I’ve hurt many. I’m sorry.
I know your are too.
Conditioning. Playing out the patterns from an original wound. If this is done to me, I react, I get this. I keep getting this. But what if I don’t want THIS anymore. MotherF^c#er it hurts. I don’t know another way to be . . .
If I keep doing what I’m doing, I will keep getting the same result. I don’t know how to be friends with being uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to tie my shoes at one point either. If I keep avoiding situations in the short run to avoid difficult or negative emotions it only serves to reinforce the thoughts that prevented me from doing something in the first place.
We CAN take the power back for ourselves. When we move against our natural tendency, against decades of reacting to the original wound we stop responding out of reaction and respond with reason. We stop ignoring and running away, stuffing it into a box, into a crack pipe and smoking it.
Baby steps. Biting off one piece at a time. We are not all ready to make a giant leap and eat the entire cow, or football field of wheatgrass, or move to California. I wasn’t ready 2 years ago for this, or 10, or 15. I would not have appreciated this as much as I do now. I needed my ego and heart broken.
I needed to scream, to react. I needed to learn what reacting is so that I can learn to choose to respond. Take baby steps, say hello friend. Work outside of my natural tendency, out of my comfort zone.
Live up to owning a version of myself, a projected life I want to live. Surrounded with the people who saw me screaming and still love me despite it all.
So I say, Goodbye Natural Tendency. Goodbye self inflicted hurt, goodbye you.
Hello freedom. I am painting my face with smiles now I've wiped away enough of your tears.
I stopped playing with those who still choose to want it easy, fair, and natural in hopes of moving on. Life is to short and guess what? They are still going nowhere and running there faster. By the time they figure this out the perfect girl (or boy) has walked out the door and the light that ignited a feeling has gone out.
I've stopped telling myself I'm lost. I'm not. I'm on my way. On a road without a destination, moving with trust.
Goodbye and good luck. Love
This week's homework: (do it today, don't put it off)
Your beliefs that you hold true about yourself can be seen by looking at the events of your past. Look back at 3 past events and determine what beliefs you hold onto about your present situation.
This may be painful, ugly, and dirty. The truth here is that once we recognize these beliefs we then have the power to change them.
List 3 events that come to mind:
List 3 beliefs that you hold about these events:
Mantra: Om Gum Ganapatayei Namah