We live in fear, all of us. I wonder why it takes us our whole lives to realize that it is not worth it?
I am no longer sure of anything . . . except that a dream has died, thankfully I wake up. The known has been removed and is being replaced by the unknown. I get tempted to quickly to recover lost ground, to fill my life with meaning and ‘spirituality’ rather than honoring this death. But something is different this time, I am different.
So much of what I thought I ‘needed’ in order to maintain a sense of grounding and stability has fallen away over the past month. Even what I knew a few days ago is being replaced. The things I thought I needed to maintain my identity, my beliefs about love, about why I moved here, my ‘purpose’ have all been updated.
The level of creativity that is unfolding from the rewiring of the cells in my heart it is bewildering. Confusion wants to be replaced with clarity, the belief that I have not failed, that nothing has gone wrong. Except now, bewildered by the rewire, the reboot, I consider the possibility that I don’t need to establish a new identity, or replace the confusion.
I can provide a place of comfort for the groundlessness. I can maintain a place of comfort in the fire, navigating the complexity of confusion. I have comfort knowing that everything I need is provided for and that my heart is raw, unprotected from everything that is unfolding because it is loved.
The need to travel far from home is BS. One doesn’t ‘need’ to leave anywhere to travel deep within themselves. When you remove all of the BS, removing what is familiar, a new sense of identity takes shape. The ego is striped of it’s grounding hold and identification of ‘someone.’
Walking into a darkness, unprotected, raw, I am certain that everything ‘needed’ will be provided for and allowing for the process to unfold.
Travel deep within yourself and you will eventually leave behind what is familiar. Sense of identity, hang-ups, beliefs, imprints others have left upon us and we have accepted, rejection, walls, boxes, fears, love, aversions, attractions, and attachments.
Who are our teachers? Who teaches us this process, teaches us faith? Mothers, fathers, lovers, friends, the homeless man preaching at the petrol station?
Events are the teachers, they teach us recognition, and continue to teach us as we continue to choose growth. Recognizing events. Have you been down this path before? Are you different? Has the system been rebooted enough times that now it will work out differently. The blue pill or the red pill? Raw.
Part of this process is exhilarating, mostly exhausting. The ego, the part of me that seeks grounding, certainty, the belief that I need to be ‘someone’ is being pulled from it’s roots.
For me to believe that I have done nothing wrong, that I have not failed . . . a new concept of self arises. Stripped away from what was familiar and watching the transformation unprotected, vulnerable, I am transforming. I am loved.
A dream has died, so that a new dream may rise from it’s ashes. So that I may learn about faith, about trust, learn how to believe, and know for certain that I have done nothing wrong. This is not failure.
This view is truly spectacular.
I fully recognize the blessing of being able to travel. I recognize that this is not possible for everyone. Everyday's a hustle. It is still possible to travel deep within yourself without leaving. Removing what is familiar will take work, a test. Are you ready? 3 assignments without leaving the house to remove familiar and break attachment.
Pick out any ceramic mug from your cabinet. Throw it onto the ground deliberately breaking it. Without anger, or with, simply break that guy.
Did you do it? Why/Why not? What is holding you back? How attached to familiar are you? How much are you willing to change if you can’t part with a ceramic mug? Perhaps you are not yet ready to take a deeper look into yourself. Don’t move onto the next step.
Take a cold shower. Don’t start with warm water and let it get cold. Don’t start cold and then turn on the heat. A COLD SHOWER
MF that is awful!!! You didn’t have to travel anywhere to see how a majority of the world bathes. It didn't kill you. You were uncomfortable. Sure. Did it suck? Sure! Life sucks. We are all in a gutter. Did you see the stars? Did you see how much water you could conserve daily? Did you notice that after the initial shock, the amount of pain perceived was lessened? Did you learn from this experience? Did you simply read this far without doing any of the above?
How honest are you with yourself? How willing to change are you? Willing to read about it but not take any action?
For one day, only one day, put away the phone, the computer, the refrigerator, the television, radio, car, bicycle, boat, books. Now sit. Walking is ok too. Remain inside. Take absolutely zero stimulation. Only water. No coffee (eek!!) no food, ONLY WATER. 24 hrs.
The last was the hardest for me to do. Hangry. Angry thoughts, listless, boredom, inability to focus, irritability. Quiet. Persistent, determined, goal oriented, loving. HONEST.
Your track record is testament to your resilience. Should you choose not to do any of the above, your character, identity, habits, self, will continue. What you should wonder . . . What will it be like in its absence?