'Excuses are the easy lies we tell ourselves to cover up our failures' - James Altucher
How much pain are you in?
I wasn’t ready. I’m too much. He/She can’t handle this mess.
I’m not able to contribute…
YOUR INSECURITIES WILL DESTROY YOU
It's those moments that make you go RAWR!
The chance you take or the ones you didn't. How many paper dragons are you fighting in your head? Are they flesh eating monsters that have you cowering in the corner in fear? Have you lost control to them? Lost parts of your asana practice to them? Are you unable to get over the next hurdle in practice?
We perceive the pain of loosing something much greater than the pleasure of having it.
I've been thinking about control a lot lately. We don't like the feeling when someone is in control over us, yet we want control over our lives???
We don't walk into love, controlling how we feel, we fall into it. We also fall into the blessings of this life.
I fell into this practice on a whim, 7 years later, 4 trips to India, a move to Los Angeles . . . I still have no clue what I’m doing. When I think I can’t do more, there is more to be done. The days’ I am most exhausted and weak are the days more is asked of me.
When I break, I regret taking those actions.
Then I take space. I begin again. Same practice.
I still have no control over when something else is going to change. I only control showing up, and a piss poor job at that. If I don’t show up the paper dragons win.
I chose to take this leap to California because of control, or rather the learning to lessen my grip of control.
The more I tried to control what would happen in the dream moving out here the more I crushed the dream to pieces. I ground those pieces into the palm of my hand breaking skin. Pain. Do I regret it? Parts of it, she was a great dream. In this sense the pain is actually what is driving me to achieve what I have aspired to all along. I give myself to the world.
Sometimes you need to get on the plane and put yourself out there. Make it happen. Go RAWR!
What will you lose? Control? Regrets?
Are you in pain? How much more are you willing to endure before reaching out? How much more are you willing to take before asking for help? How much pain is too much before you change?
I will not regret trying. Only regret not trying for it.
It’s been a week since I’ve been welcomed to LA. I do mean welcomed. I’ve seen a guy with white socks pulled up to his knees riding beach cruiser holding a stereo, an entire block closed off with police tape with helicopter overhead, been yelled at by crazy, listened to more people’s dreams for their future than they will ever take, seen the sunset from the the Venice pier, got lost in Beverly Hills on a bicycle and almost ended up on the Santa Monica freeway, I have had dinner with the most welcoming of friends who have taken me under their wing in support my growth. I am forever grateful to the open arms of the Ashtanga community at Omkar 108 and how they have embraced me.
All of this is possible because of two people who continue to show me how to relinquish control and who provide shelter for me while I find comfort in releasing this pain I have of control.
I’m figuring things out, learning to love what this is requiring of me. Pain is still there, but it is good, it is life. It is the backing down of the ego, backing down pride. Talking it out with those living it. Growing.