My ego has ADHD

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In the day of selfies, where is the selflessness? I find that I get wrapped up in likes, and hearts, who has seen my photo’s read my non coherent thoughts, responded, and it is never enough . . . I want more. My ego is not satisfied. So I post more. I dig deeper exposing more of myself, yet still holding back only enough, but still uncomfortable. Look at my unchanging face, yet I want you to believe how much I’ve changed inside the selfie screams at the screen.

We, each of us are selfish. We look out for ourselves first, and then our closest circle, and then expanding, if there is time or desire.

I often talk instead of listening, I get locked into my own ideas, fixed beliefs, and ways of being that I can’t be open to listening, to hearing what others are thinking. I close myself off when I open my mouth.

I began a yoga practice to meet people after moving to a new city. I ended up meeting myself. Somewhere in the silence I got to hear my own voice, I got to listen. Inside was a kid screaming to get out and play. A 14y Morgan who was shut down and told to grow up, who was too fat, too short, not cool enough, and ultimately not secure enough. So I let him out to play, and kept him on a leash. Both of us grew. I was the man that he had wanted to be, and he was the playfulness that I had wanted to goof around with. We teach each other. When Grown up Morgan becomes too serious and focused on silly things like monie$ being the master instead of a servant, here comes this kid kicking and screaming. When this younger guy’s playtime gets out of hand, selfish, or insecure, the grown up - now my own parent, comes along to pick up the mess. We do the work.

It is as if there are multiple Morgan’s running around inside, who gets to play today, in this moment, who can handle this situation best? Sometimes the one who can handle the situation ‘best’ is not the one who gets to speak up. ‘Sometimes’ I should sit and listen before responding, reacting rather. Sometimes I feel sorry for the younger guy being locked away from playing and being told to grow up, and sometimes I feel sorry for the older guy who locked himself away from play so that he could grow up and be boring, and rigid. Ballance you two.

I learned to connect with myself, I’m still learning and have much further to go.

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In this place of connection, I have learned that many others are struggling with this same connection. Like myself, we battle between what is right, what is wrong, what we want to do vs what we are doing, who we want to be, who we think society wants us to be, what we can allow others to see, what we want others to think, etc.

It was only after becoming quiet enough to listen that I heard the screaming of others in this same way, and came to realize that we each have these issues going on and I am not alone. My thoughts are not unique. I am not a beautiful or unique snowflake. We are all hardwired this way. The voices screaming at us, locked away inside, screaming so loud that we forget that there are others.

I snap a selfie and scream, ‘LOOK AT ME!’ I’m hurting in here from all of the noise.

I want to forget their voices, their screams, their laugh . . . it hurts. I’m simply a F^cked up guy looking for some peace of mind. I wish I had done a lot of things. (But I’m here now)

Beyond the self created noise is the connection with others. Connecting with their screaming. Sometimes demons speak truths because they know the hearts of other demons.

When we connect, listening, hearing, silence. There are people who’s screams match our own so well that it is too painful to connect, it makes us face our own voice. I can’t always listen to them, or hear them. My own voices are screaming louder.

 

Assignment:

There is no assignment. There is nothing wrong with you.

I know your own voices are screaming. I know they won’t stop, #cantstopwontstop and I’m not sorry about that.

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Any advice I have about listening to others, taking FB and your phone with email away for 10,12, or 24 hours will only make the screaming worse right up front. So instead, simply say ‘thanks.’

Give thanks to the person telling you this or that, thank the person for forgiving you, thank yourself for accepting the forgiveness and the compliment. Thank yourself for taking a look at yourself, taking that selfie.