I often get hyper-focused on my shortcomings. I tend to look at the spilled cups on the ground, my tears. My complete ineptitude, and my habits for f^cking up the really good things in my life, become my focus.
The ones that I feel the most sorry to for f^cking sh*t up are those that have gotten the closest to me and my vulnerability. They have gotten close because they let down their guard and our demons spoke the truth to one another’s hearts.
When I let them down, I have let myself down and there are no more walls, or ninjas left. I can’t push them any further away.
How can I ever say I’m sorry for the hurt I put you through? What can I say?
Acknowledge the act. Separate the act from you. You are responsible for your actions, but you are not the action. Identify the area that is causing pain, the root of suffering. The pain is real but the suffering is optional.
When we reach out and ask for forgiveness it is like taking your heart out of your chest and showing someone that you care about your darkness, the blood and messy parts. Recognizing that wrong acts were done, and asking that person to accept your past, but asking them to also hold space for a future together. Forgiveness is the understanding that things are the way they were, but having a desire to change your future together.
Whether or not the other person forgives you is on them. That depends on how much they are willing to forgive themselves. They may not have reached inside and recognized their own contribution to the act yet. They may be dealing with their own past hurt and can’t see beyond their own pain to recognize yours.
They may not even care.
In the case of big f^cks up’s . . . they care.
The act of forgiving a person establishes a connection whereas both parties acknowledge faults and from a place of honesty, move forward. Unconditional love.
My parents forgive the crap out of me. They are parents and that is part of what they signed up for. Part of creating life and raising it is recognizing their own faults and forgiving themselves along the way as they forgive me. The people in my life who I am most humbled by are those that I have been closest to, who are not blood and who still forgave me. My ex-wife, she is a beautiful soul whom I hurt sincerely. She still forgave me and allows me to share the joy of her current life. Why?
Forgiveness is there. This world is filled with beautiful souls, each doing their own work contributing and uncovering connection.
Despite myself, and f^cking up these actions, I still have friends, wonderful friends who support me, forgive me, remind me to forgive myself. They know that forgiving myself is not easy for me to do because they know how difficult it is for them too.
“Now that you no longer have to be perfect, you can be good” -Steinbeck
Call (no texting) CALL that person. They may not answer, in which case it is easier, but you MUST leave a message.
They may have forgiven you. If they did not forgive you, recognize that it is on them and forgive yourself, and also forgive them. They too are fighting. Be assured that you are further along on a path towards a future you want to be living.
If you did not reach out, forgive yourself. Come from a place of understanding the why you did or didn’t reach out and now dig deep within and reach out. CALL that person. Ask for forgiveness, small steps, bite sized pieces, unless your are all about grand gestures, going BIG, in which case, put yourself on a plane and go see them.